Day 7

A truck arrived today, number 37, I asked Juan where the other 36 were and he said "they had been blown up". I prayed that I would not be loaded into the truck, I don't want to die now, I'm only 12. Just as I was thinking about my family and who would tell them that I had died, Juan told us that we would not be riding in the truck but marching all the way to San Ildefonso, we would be marching there because the loyalists had gained control of the land that we needed, we were marching there to fight in a real battle.

We are not prepared to fight yet, we have had only a week of training What makes them think that we will be able to stand and fight? I couldn't even shoot the man with the big nose that we had encountered on our way back from the massacre in the village. How was I supposed to kill the loyalists? So much is expected of me, I don't think anyone relises that I am only 12, I am not even an adolescent.

We were split into units, Juan, Lolo and Nacio were all in my unit. I can't believe that they are really going to send us into the battle, we are not yet experienced.

We left the camp and marched in complete silence until we reached the river near San Ildefonso. Three boats approached us, but we waited in silence until Mendoza gave the word. Then we fired, I'm not sure if I shot someone or not, but it was too late to think about that, this was a life or death situation, there was no time to check if I had shot someone or not, I just aimed. We managed to kill all of men in the boats.

Mendoza said we did well, but I don't feel like we did well, I feel like a cold hearted killer.

Day 6

Captain Mendoza has an aeroplane, He stole it.
He got the money from a bank, at least that's what Juan told me.
What about all the people with their money in the bank, what if they needed it to make sure they stayed alive, what if they needed it because someone in the family was sick and needed the money to get better? I said all this to Juan and all he said was "it's a revoltion"! I can't believe Captain Mendoza would steal someone's money, it makes me think, what if that money is used also to buy food for us? Other people are starving now just so we can eat. If we keep stealing money, then there will be no people left to fight the war for, they will die of hunger or diarrhea. All those people had worked hard for their money, now it's all gone. Innocent people could now die because of Captain Mendoza, and all he bought with the money was an aeroplane, one lousy aeroplane, he could have bought guns, weapons, anything that could help us win the war, but instead he bought an aeroplane, he doesn't even use it to kill loyalists, he uses it to travel from one camp to another!

I thought he was different than the rest of the soldiers, but I guess I was wrong, at the end of the day I guess he's just another ruthless soldier, on a path of destruction.

Poem

I wake up alone,
Only yesterday I was in my mothers arms,
Today I am supposed to be a soldier,
I am a child,
How can I do a mans job,
The noise of guns is terrifying,
I want my family,
I want to escape
I want to go home, but I know I can't,
Given my gun, I march out to war.

Day 5

I feel ill.
Every time I think back to the scene at the village I want to vomit.
I can't stop thinking about the children we found, will they be safe, or will they die like the rest of their village did. This image will be with me for the rest of my life, I will never be the same 12 year old boy again.

We went for our first real patrol today, we had to carry all our own things, guns ammo, dried rations, and water. We were crawling through the jungle like apes when we heard gun shots not far from where we were, as soon as I heard the first gun shot I could feel my heart start to beat louder and louder in my chest, there was no noise around us, I wondered if the rest of the patrol could hear my heart. Finally the gun shots stopped and we went towards where the shooting had come from. We found a village, not much different from my own, but there was no one to be seen, until we checked for people and found the villagers, all dead, not one alive person, young, old, brothers, sisters, mothers and fathers, all dead. I was overwhelmed with sorrow, I dropped to my knees and sobbed, after all, a man who shows no sorrow is a man without a heart. We started to dig graves for the dead villagers, I was sent back into the jungle to fetch some leaves to lay over the graves. It was silent in the jungle, until I heard movement in the shrubbery, I turned instantly expecting it to be the loyalists, instead I turned to find a young girl, drenched in blood, in her arms was a bundle of clothes, I ran to her, calling for help as I did so. I took the rags from her only to find that there was a young baby inside. We nursed the girl back to health as well as we could, and on our way took them to the American lady. I can only pray that the children will live for longer than expected and not die over night.

Day 2

War is illogical.
This country has already had 42 wars, now we start a new one that makes 43.
I asked the sergeant if he thinks we will win the war, all he said was we have to try.
What makes anybody think that this war will be any different to the other wars, everytime there is a war nothing gets better, nothing changes, so what good does it do? If we do win the war then what?
If we win the war, perhaps Captain Mendoza should be president, i told Lolo this and he gave me a strange look. I have never thought about politics before the war. Now I think about it a lot.
We haven't had much time to train, this could affect our fighting skills, if we had just a few months I'm sure all of us could learn to be great soldiers, but we don't have that kind of time, we only have a few days before the loyalists move in on the land that we want. All the other boys think we have a chance, I really doubt that, considering the amount of time we have had to train and the fact that we haven't ever won any of the other wars. If we don't win and there's a 44th will they keep us here? another question I will have to ask Lolo, or maybe my cousin instead, he knows more about the war..

Day 1

When we got out of the truck for the first time I looked around and noticed only a few tents, all of them were in a line, like dominos, one after the other. the ground in the camp was dry and dusty. Even the air feels different here, almost heavier and gloomier, there's an atmosphere, here inside the camp, not a bad one, more of a buzzing in the background. I think it's the fact that everyone has a feeling that they could be attacked or launched into war at any moment. All around the camp is the lush green jungle, tall dark trees are ominously around the outskirts of the fences, casting dark shadows across the campus, they made me think, what if we were attacked? Where would we run to? Who would look after us if we became injured? It's something I will have to ask Lolo as he knows everything about everyone already.

The older men and boys are mean looking, some of them have scars on their faces, one boy especially caught my attention because of his lip, it was bent up in the corner, and looked sore but I soon realized he was not a boy to be messed with, he was one of the best soliders we had, I named him Whistler. I saw the captain today for the first time, a tall, lean looking man with no emotions in his body, at least that's what it looked like, but when I spoke to him his face softened and his eyes became normal for once instead of always being glossy and emotionless. All the men have no emotions, all of their eyes are glossy and still, there is not one man that I have seen who is not stern, they are all soldiers.

- Uno