Day 7

A truck arrived today, number 37, I asked Juan where the other 36 were and he said "they had been blown up". I prayed that I would not be loaded into the truck, I don't want to die now, I'm only 12. Just as I was thinking about my family and who would tell them that I had died, Juan told us that we would not be riding in the truck but marching all the way to San Ildefonso, we would be marching there because the loyalists had gained control of the land that we needed, we were marching there to fight in a real battle.

We are not prepared to fight yet, we have had only a week of training What makes them think that we will be able to stand and fight? I couldn't even shoot the man with the big nose that we had encountered on our way back from the massacre in the village. How was I supposed to kill the loyalists? So much is expected of me, I don't think anyone relises that I am only 12, I am not even an adolescent.

We were split into units, Juan, Lolo and Nacio were all in my unit. I can't believe that they are really going to send us into the battle, we are not yet experienced.

We left the camp and marched in complete silence until we reached the river near San Ildefonso. Three boats approached us, but we waited in silence until Mendoza gave the word. Then we fired, I'm not sure if I shot someone or not, but it was too late to think about that, this was a life or death situation, there was no time to check if I had shot someone or not, I just aimed. We managed to kill all of men in the boats.

Mendoza said we did well, but I don't feel like we did well, I feel like a cold hearted killer.